I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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