I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
