I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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