yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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