Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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