I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize