when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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