Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
