I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
