I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
