There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
