the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
