ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
