Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
