I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
