she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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