I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
