clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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