I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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