I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
