If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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