Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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