Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
