My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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