Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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