Your dad touched me again.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
