Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
