Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
