dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
