i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
