Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
