you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
