im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
