I think my vagina is haunted
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
