Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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