Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Randomize
