On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
