we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
