yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
