Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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