i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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