the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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