so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
