Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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