I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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