Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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