i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
what day is it and did you see me today?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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