I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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