i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize