i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think your dad took our porno
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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