If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
