Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
