dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
