god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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