I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
