1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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