There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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