i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
