These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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