matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is Oprah even human
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
