Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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